Not good enough
by NinjaEnergy
Summary: Set after OoTS, 2k16 turtles. Mikey's thinking about his place in his family. He feels like he doesn't fit in and he's trying to get sort out his negative thoughts by writing in his journal...


A/H: First of all, I wanted to say a _huge_ thank you to everyone that read/favorited/reviewed my first story, Painful Victory. I loved seeing that so many people liked it, and I absolutely loved reading the reviews. Hopefully you guys like this one too.

Disclaimer: Nope…they're not mine! Such a shame too…

This little fic is a journal entry from Mikey a few days after everything's settled down from the invasion. While Mikey is the clown and the always happy little ball of sunshine, I think that somewhere deep down, he feels like he's less important than his brothers (especially after hearing Leo's comment about who's "vote" matters and what Leo said in the plane). I wrote this fast (really, I sat down and it wrote itself in record time) so I apologize if it's quirky.

See my A/N at the end too please!

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I don't know what I can do for anyone here. I don't even know why they keep me in this family. I look at my brothers and I see all the things I wish I could be and realize that there is no way that I'll ever be half as good as they are at anything.

Leo was right...no brains. I don't _do_ anything for the team. It doesn't take a genius to figure that out. Anyone looking at my family would be able to point that out in less than 30 seconds. I'm the dead weight that holds everyone back.

Leo keeps us on track and doing what should be done. Raph keeps us safe and will fight to the end for us, and find a way to win and get us home. Donnie is a genius and without him, we'd have nothing, no lights, no heating, no truck...just nothing.

I'm still trying to figure out what I do that's of any use like what they do. I've thought about it for a long time and I'm still stuck. I cook. That's all I can come up with. That's even useless because if I wasn't around they'd have someone else cook or just get pizza. Really, saying "I can cook!" isn't even close to the great things my brothers do for the family. Their _hobbies_ even revolve around the team and the family.

Leo trains all the time to be prepared for anything. Raph is always working out to keep strong to fight. Donnie invents all kinds of things that none of us would even dream of. Me? I play video games all the time, go skateboarding and annoy the crap out of my brothers.

I know that they love me. If they didn't, they wouldn't take care of me the way they do. But, I also know what I am to them too; an annoying little brother that they have to look after because I'm the runt of the bunch. The one that doesn't take anything seriously and doesn't understand everything going on around him.

They're probably right.

A leader, muscle and brains. That's all you need for a good team. I tend to just get in the way of their plans by playing around all the time, joking and being a goof. I have my reasons, but I don't think they'd believe me no matter how hard I tried to explain it.

I have a heart...that's all I ever hear is that I have a huge heart. I don't think there's anything as useless as that. Is that supposed to be as important as what my older brothers bring to the team? Well, it isn't. It's a pointless "gift" to have. Being the youngest once again cost me the "cool" qualities and I got stuck as always with the crap that no one else wanted. Thanks a lot.

Don't get me wrong, I'm sure they would be sad if something were to happen to me, but deep down, I know that they'd be able to move on and nothing would be lost to the team. They'd be fine without me.

Sensei's always told me that there's something special about me, something that I have that my brothers' don't, something that everyone needs in their life, but they don't know it. I'm still trying to figure out what he's talking about.

After all, I have no brain to be able to figure it out. And as usual, heart is not helping me figure out dad's riddles.

Like I said, pointless and useless.

I do wonder sometimes how well the team, and the family, would function without me. Having all their well thought out plans followed-through perfectly, no one eating while they should be looking out for the bad guys, none of them having to give me that glare of disappointment when I drop pizza completely by accident onto the basketball court.

Sometimes, I wonder about that _too much_. It's the times where I want my brothers to just be three and want them to actually succeed perfectly in a mission that worry me.

It's the times when I have to talk myself out of giving them the opportunity to be a three turtle team that scare me.

But the time when I can't talk myself out of it is coming. I have a harder time convincing myself to not go through with it every time I think about it. I just hope that when that day comes my family will understand why I did it.

In the meantime, I'll keep practicing on my arm for when I really decide to leave (practice makes perfect right? Even if that practice is for your own death) and I'll keep my smile stuck on my face even if I have no reason to be truly happy anymore. My brothers have to keep our family and our team going; giving them another reason to worry and care for their baby brother is something the family, and the team, can't afford. Family is first. My feelings don't matter as much as my family's survival.

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It's an abrupt end to the entry, but in Mikey's mind, where the thoughts are just swarming around, he thinks it's perfectly fine and that it makes sense. It might come across as all over the place, but I was going for a hurt teen that had a million negative thoughts going through his mind and he was writing out what popped into his head at that moment.

I also have a ton of fics that I've started (I think there's like 8 or something like that!) but just not getting the right inspiration to finish them the way I want. Some could revolve around this. Please review and tell me if I should keep going with this or just let it drop already!


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